Trouble

I wrote out a post before this, about a specific part of the one event that seems to have changed my life. I am not in a place where I can post it but I did write it and it did help me to feel better. I am still troubled by what has happened but I know I can move on. I will just need some help.

I love Cat Stevens, I am pretty sure that anyone who really knows me knows this fact about me. These are the lyrics of his song "Trouble" from the movie Harold and Maude. Which by the way is one of the most beautiful love stories ever filmed, it is everything that any love story needs two people find each other, in many ways in spite of what the rest of the world wants for both of them. It is a story about the fact that love is not found it is uncovered and unwrapped like a gift, and sometimes it is just what you need or want, sometimes not. Sometimes you lose it, and need to learn to move on with out this thing that seemed to help define you and make you and life better. 

"Trouble" 

Lyrics by Yosuf Islam (Cat Stevens) 

Trouble

Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

tick...tock...tick...tock...

Time...tick...tock...tick...It seems like my life as of late is revolving around time, the lack of it, to much of it, time moving to fast, getting away from me, my internal clock ticking away, yearning for it. 

I have been very tired lately, I want to sleep all the time. It seems like I never get enough time to sleep, I go out on my lunches and find a place to park my car to eat and nap. And I am still tired. I go to work and the clock ticks away the hours of my day and I am tired. I go to bed early and wake up late and I still want more time in my bed to sleep. Why am I tired?

I am yearning for something. It has come up in many of my conversations, I am getting older, and I see it all around me. I have always wanted to be a father, it is among only a few other dreams I have never really let go of. I pretend to, I put on a show about not wanting to have a child, but I do. Time is not being kind to me in this respect, I am getting older, I feel like I am running out of time. My choices have narrowed my path and inexorably that path and those choices funnel me to an end with out children. I enjoy my nieces, nephews, and children of friends but they are not my own. I will never have the same feelings for them as their parents do. I will not know the joy and fear that it is to be a parent and I want to.

I am getting older and this time around my birthday brings out the melancholy in me. I feign unconcern. I do not mind my birthday, it does not bother me, this is untrue. I tend to think of loss around this time of year. Summer is sighing its last warm breath in the north and Autumn is descending with is golds, reds, and grays. Autumn seems natural here, summer so ephemeral.  There is loss in this season, grandfathers, uncles, grandmothers, friends and brothers. And I sit on my porch wishing I were asleep. Not unhappy but not happy either, a middle ground of here. I am just here....listening to my watch tick away the seconds... 

Well it has been a while...hasn't it

Well I realize that I have not posted to my blog all summer long. It has been a bit busy this has been a summer and a year of ups and downs.  I have had many fun and exciting adventures and some frustration.  I will focus on some of the good times, my father after too many years has finally retired. We had a couple events for the retirement including a party where my current and former partner showed up. That was a bit of crazy let me tell you but it went well. We also went to a Tigers baseball game, where the Tigers won against the Rockies. My brother Sean just got married in a beautiful and very sweet wedding. It has been an overall great summer if a hot summer.

A bit of side note since it is on the news, I have noticed that up to this point neither President Obama or Mitt Romney have visited the victims of the Sikh Temple shooting. I am sorry this is an obvious case of domestic terrorism and far scarier than anything else that has happened this summer and needs to be addressed.

On the negative side I have eaten just about everything that has come across my path, and stopped running due to the ridiculously hot weather. I must refocus and eat better, I am keeping a food journal and going to start exercising again. I am not going to post my food choices on my blog because that would be intensely boring.

Well here is to a renewed blogging....

more promises made and broken

Ok so i am not going to make any promises to blog more...I am just going to try. I am still working on this whole follow through thing plus I was working out at the gym at night leaving little time to eat and blog. Life as been a bit crazy but good.
I am now on the second book of "A Song of Fire and Ice", "A Clash of Kings", It is fantastic book. I am not a huge fan of fantasy, I am of sci-fi but not fantasy. I know, many say what is the difference? There is a difference trust me. But I do really like these books they are a lot of fun really, the characters are interesting and well drawn, the story lines are great. He is also not afraid to kill off characters that you like and the allow characters you hate to live, also to bring you around to characters you didn't like at first.

I have discovered twitter I like it...I don't love it...like Facebook, Myspace, and blogger I don't always have the attention span to really get excited about it but I like it.

In serious news...Todd and my friend was diagnosed with melanoma (stage 4 it would seem)..I have not really been able to process the fact that someone I know has stage 4 melanoma. I have been putting off having the doctor take off a few moles. One of which is on my face, the one on my chin to be precise, I have an attachment to it. But I am worried this would be friend number two with moles levels comparable to mine, Erin and now Terry. Erin pointed out that my doctor has not had me looked at by a dermatologist, I believe that I will bring that up to him.

Promises Made and Broken

I know I made promises to keep up with my Blog and quickly broke them but really it is Western Michigan in the winter...I cannot be blamed.... Well I am still running without any real weight loss. I am an emotional eater and I have been stuffing my face with food on an almost constant basis...I HATE WINTER! It is however, thank you global warming I will not complain, 80 degrees out in March in Michigan...it is like the twilight zone. It actually makes me a little bit uncomfortable, in that vague well this is just not right sort of way. It is not like I want it to be dull brown and gray out but really 80 in March it is still winter.
I also blame Erin Davison and her Husband Peter for hooking me (and I mean it like a crack dealer gets people hooked) on the book "The Game of Thrones", part of "A Song of Fire and Ice" series.
I am, of course, blaming others because I am never to blame for this sort of thing, nope.
anyway, I am off to bed on this balmy 70 degree winters night...
I run this week
Monday - 6miles (a pick up from today long run which was instead a short run I missed last week, confused? me too)
Tuesday - Strength and cross training
Wednesday -  4 miles
Thursday - Rest
Friday - 4 miles and Strength training
Saturday - Cross training
Sunday - 7 miles

Oops Skipped a Week

Well I skipped a week of pictures, crap so this is week four...I have started cross-training and weight training. I believe that this will help my running and maybe this will help with running a marathon. I also have found out that I am a huge wimp and that as someone who has never really weight trained I am like a 90 pound weakling only 120 pounds heaver. Here is my schedule for the coming week...

Monday - 3 Mile Run

Tuesday - Stretch and Strength training

Wednesday - Rest (going out with Molly)

Thursday - Cross Training

Friday - 2 Mile Run and Strength training

Saturday - Cross Training

Sunday - 3 Mile Run

And Finally My Pictures 

I still weigh 209lbs

Running Week Number 2

So I forgot to post my week number two photos. I think what I am going to do it compare back to my week on pictures. This week my weight was 211 (down 2lbs)...here are the pictures

Week 1

Week 2

This weeks running schedule...

Monday - Run/walk 30min (2r/1w)

Tuesday - Run/walk 30min (2r/1w)

Wednesday - Off

Thursday - Run/Walk 30min (1r/1w)

Friday - Cross Train

Saturday - Run/Walk 3miles (2r/1w)

Sunday - Cross Train or walk