tick...tock...tick...tock...

Time...tick...tock...tick...It seems like my life as of late is revolving around time, the lack of it, to much of it, time moving to fast, getting away from me, my internal clock ticking away, yearning for it. 

I have been very tired lately, I want to sleep all the time. It seems like I never get enough time to sleep, I go out on my lunches and find a place to park my car to eat and nap. And I am still tired. I go to work and the clock ticks away the hours of my day and I am tired. I go to bed early and wake up late and I still want more time in my bed to sleep. Why am I tired?

I am yearning for something. It has come up in many of my conversations, I am getting older, and I see it all around me. I have always wanted to be a father, it is among only a few other dreams I have never really let go of. I pretend to, I put on a show about not wanting to have a child, but I do. Time is not being kind to me in this respect, I am getting older, I feel like I am running out of time. My choices have narrowed my path and inexorably that path and those choices funnel me to an end with out children. I enjoy my nieces, nephews, and children of friends but they are not my own. I will never have the same feelings for them as their parents do. I will not know the joy and fear that it is to be a parent and I want to.

I am getting older and this time around my birthday brings out the melancholy in me. I feign unconcern. I do not mind my birthday, it does not bother me, this is untrue. I tend to think of loss around this time of year. Summer is sighing its last warm breath in the north and Autumn is descending with is golds, reds, and grays. Autumn seems natural here, summer so ephemeral.  There is loss in this season, grandfathers, uncles, grandmothers, friends and brothers. And I sit on my porch wishing I were asleep. Not unhappy but not happy either, a middle ground of here. I am just here....listening to my watch tick away the seconds...